THEN AND NOW
- Ishana Ghosh
I let my mind
go back a few years
and in there, I see
a girl with a strong sense
of idealism and bravery.
Yeah! That killing personality
and the effortless grip over things
stupefies me,
and I begin to wonder
what that 'seemingly' perfect
'everything' has evolved into.
I don't remember whether
at that time, it all felt perfect
and I'm almost sure, it didn't
but it sure does, from here and now.
And it makes me so very frustrated
'cause if change is a part of who I am,
why can't I recognise the girl I see
in the mirror that stands in front of me?
Why? Why does it have to be like this?
And there are times
when I get so afraid
that I'm evolving into someone
I would probably hate.
And give me one reason why not...
But don't you tell me
to accept things as they are
'cause you don't know how it feels
to witness everything that you thought
was good in you; slowly go
out of your control and reach.
Just thinking about it gives me chills!
I spend hours, contemplating
and speculating, trying to convince myself
that I am just overthinking,
that this is just a phase I am going through
and before long,
I'll become who I am again.
But as usual, I fail
to appease myself with mere thoughts,
as I lose the game.
The light again fades,
the door again closes
and I find myself in the place
I always dreaded
I'll eventually end up in.
A place where 'Hope' inhabits the corner
and 'Despair' rules,
a place where I'm robbed of my concentration
and compelled to waste my time,
brooding over hundreds of things
when maybe, a pressing matter
sits on my desk, waiting.
Believe me, that's such a dreadful
and horrible place, that it
horrifies me every time I step in
'cause it sucks me of my confidence
and fills me with all those things
I'm supposed to be shunning.
How I wish the light wouldn't
leave me there alone,
every single time...
_______
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